one.  it's the christmas cab tomorrow, and i am way excited.

two.  don't you think it's funny how life seems to stay the same?  there must be some sort of illusion going on here, because nothing is actually like it was anymore.

three.  i am buying mascara.  mascary.  hahaha.

four.  i don't dance, except sometimes during commercials.

five.  the average cosmo reader kisses twenty-nine men before getting married.  isn't that something?

six.  my roommate wants me to go to a sports bar and watch the game.  so not happening.

seven.  i'm looking for a guy who is going to view me as a piece of meat.  [http://www.xxxchurch.com]

eight.  i'm in the mood for some body decoration.  anyone feel like getting pierced?

nine.  i should go get covered in sawdust.

ten.  lunar lime lipsmackers.

oh, fearful crying people,
the fool is by the river, watching but not swimming.
it takes energy not to get used to it
and fall into this place
where everything runs together and dies;
this quiet kingdom, she is now
and forever will she be
in silent celebration.

we deal in dreams.
we deal in dreams.
we deal in structures that grow cold in our hearts.

- we deal in dreams, live

''''''''''''''''''''

this feels like church to me.

things i have learned lately:

1) red bull tastes like rockets but gross.

2) red bull helps me finish art at any hour of the day or night.

3) red bull also makes me wake up less than two hours after going to bed and vomit disgustingly.  and not be able to sleep after that.

so now we know all about red bull.

::::::::::::::::

i am very lonely and bored.  i have been bumming around since noon trying to sleep and not eat.  and my bedroom looks like a studio exploded.  somebody should come visit me and i will try my best not to spread around any contagions, promise.

on a brighter note, i bought tickets for the christmas cab today.  so now the only thing standing between me and a fabulous night of formal attire and excellent eating is a little bit of time.  and maybe a few other things.

i am homesick for uhall.

::::::::::::::::

soft-spoken with a broken jaw
step outside but not to brawl
autumn's sweet, we call it fall
i'll make it to the moon if i have to crawl and
with the birds i'll share this lonely view

- scar tissue, red hot chili peppers

she fills my bed with gasoline.
you'd think i woulda noticed.

- santa monica, theory of a deadman

************

i am frustrated by the limits of the internet.  isn't that funny?  but it's true.  i want to see all these images and i can't find them ANYWHERE.  boo.  i have the world at my fingertips and somehow i still manage to want what i can't have.

maybe the copy centre will work me a miracle.

in other news, i am developing a sickness, my roommate came home a day early, and amanda left this morning.  plus i am just not feeling very creative right now.  that's really bad you know.  it's kindof like when a surgeon doesn't really feel like cutting people up.  except less life-threatening.

oh and plus i need a digital camera.  why don't i have a digital camera?

************

artists of the weekend:
karen dugas, jennifer dickson, the guerilla girls

artist of the day: david salle

i am drowning in a sea of [not] feminist discourse and art that isn't mine.  discouragement has a face and it was drawn in blind contour earlier this evening, looking depressed in my mirror and graphite-y in my sketchbook.

additionally, my roommate left her disgusting mess in the kitchen and went home for the weekend.  i am so bitter.

maybe i should be an art history major.  then i would get all the joys of looking and none of the pains of making.  although i would have the even more torturous pains of writing.  but then, it looks like i'll probably end up doing that anyway.

------

i thought about the hours wasted
watching tv, drinking beer.
i thought about the things i thought about
until immobilized with fear,
and all the great ideas i had,
and how we just made fun
of those who had the guts to try and fail,
and then i ended up in jail.

- regrets, ben folds five

artist of the day: marcel duchamp

[that's all.]

artist of the day: nader ahriman

i would understand this dude a whole lot more if i knew something about metaphysics.  but i don't.  so i don't.  ten million sighs.

+++++++

i need to buy groceries and do laundry and clean up the stuff on my floor and generally look after myself more.  instead, i have lost motivation, and the library claims not to have seen the book i returned to them 3 days ago.

i wore high [it's a relative term] heels and stood around for four hours today and now my legggs hurt but there is nothing i can do about that.  plus it's not a bad kind of pain exactly.

i wonder what it would feel like to be diabetic and have your muscles getting sore and tense sometimes because of your blooood sugar fluk-chew-ay-shuns?  i just think that would be so strange but maybe you get used to it.

+++++++

come let me make up for the things you lack.

- sexy back, justin timberlake

[oh, i went there.]

artist of the day: jeff wall

------

what's that disease where you do something compulsively that starts with a rush, but quickly turns into some kind of agony, and you wish you could stop, but as soon as it's over you immediately want more?

[...art?]

well, we all have our drug of choice.

------

artist of the day: franz ackermann

another german.  those germans and their smooth-smooth shapes.  so urban.  i wish i could be that cool.

i am too messy to be german, i think.

""""""""

sometimes it feels like you just turn out to be this certain kind of person that you weren't expecting or even really wanting, but that is who you are, and you must work with it.

""""""""

[keep swinging your wrecking ball.]

- wrecking ball, danny michel

...oh, nighttime and all the things you do to me.

****

artist of the day: cindy sherman

[not one hundred percent sure how i feel about her yet... perhaps i am challenged by her exclusive use of photography.  perhaps i just don't know what to make of a woman who creates such ugly things.  i am not sure how i feel about doing things that are only okay to do if you don't have a penis.  does that mean they are actually okay?  or just less terrifying?]

but then i feel very satisfied by the amount of art theory i've consumed today, so good for me.

art theory and miniature mars bars.

****

so i've decided that right now i feel bad for incredibly good-looking people.  this feeling may be gone by morning, but i thought i should acknowledge it while it is around.

oh and plus i bought girly shoes and a headband, so there.  and next weekend i'm buying mascara and jewelry and nyyyyyylons [black].  cuz i am a liberated woah-man.

but for now i just look forward to drinking some fruit juices.

****

you leave me numb and i'm not sure why.

- spitting games, snow patrol